I suppose you could say that phase one is completed or that it is the end of an era. The dumpster is full to the brim and only still sitting in the backyard
because of a torrential downpour.
The wet driveway could not stand the weight of all those
memories.
I can still see my daughter pleading for the porcelain doll
that is in that dumpster. A small supplicant, “Oh please Mommy, she is so
beautiful.” Now parted from her hair, her clothes mildewed, she is a forgotten doll. And the person who pleaded for her has a far more nuanced grasp of what is beautiful. Still she was abandoned, wrapped in a quilt and left in a trunk that staved in, in a shed that collapsed in a long, wet winter. I left
her there seven years ago in what seemed at the time a safe place.
Other forgotten and worn out things were left there in the
shed.
“Don’t throw out Georgie Amy.” That is what Sarah said when
I told her I had found him in relatively good condition. He is one of those
cloth monkeys that you could buy anywhere for a few dollars, with long blue and
yellow striped legs and arms and brown corduroy overalls. She had carried him everywhere
and tended him with stitches for imagined injuries; one of his overall straps
undone in what I think was the hip-hop style of the day. She must have dragged
him around nearly into adolescence. He
had survived. In my chattering mind, I
wondered why. He was not specially wrapped and placed in a
trunk.He simply sat on the peak of the doll house roof. He was no porcelain doll. He was made of fabric and the woes and weather
could have so easily taken him down. But there he was sitting on the dollhouse
tucked under the crumpled roof of the crumpled shed.
The doll house survived too. It needs considerable attention
and repair, but it is in one piece. I
have dragged it from house to house. My
father made it for me.
My ex-husband, with whom I am sharing this shed emptying
chore, and I see things differently. He
believes that things happen suddenly, the roof falls, the mower stops running;
the computer is suddenly running slow. I think they proceed in tiny increments,
the result of a million small in-attentions.
Isn't that what neglect is, cumulative inattention. Moments piled on moments of looking the other
way, noticing something else, the mind’s magician drawing your eye away leaving
a reality unseen. And so life goes on and Georgie Amy sits on the doll house
under a roof that slowly, inch by inch, fails until one day in a storm it
falls.
The grape and wisteria vines have helped it along. They have escaped into the tree tops and
coiled their branches on top of the roof. The flowerbeds around the house with
their loose and welcoming soil have played host to many black walnut and redbud
saplings, all too close to the house;
all needing to be removed, some ten feet tall. Nature has reconstructed this
small holding in the absence of my annual housekeeping and she is riotously
able.
I get called into the thicket between the other two sheds on
the property. It is an unholy alliance
of privet, honeysuckle and wild roses with an old picnic table rotting under
it. The vines are slippery and prickly
and easily defy my efforts. My friend
reminds me that gloves would relieve me of the small wounds and frustrations the
thicket so generously offers, but I usually wade in on my way to get a tool
from the shed for some other task and cannot resist poking at it with my
clippers, like popping bubble wrap it satisfies some ill-defined urge. One day I will put on my gloves and clear it
out entirely.
The pergola is free of its choking burden of vines. No doubt they will return. But for now they are small tangled foot notes
and the structure is calling for paint. Time passes.
The old couch that the dogs slept on for seven years in my absence is in
the dumpster. They weren't permitted
when I was here. That was my place,
where I slept through evening television after a day’s work, my family taking
bets on how long I would stay awake. The
two remaining old dogs need reminding that the couch that has replaced it is
mine and not theirs. A pile of books and an end table perched on it, when I go
to bed are enough to make this point with them.
The books are right, it takes about a two weeks for a dog and maybe a
person too, to form a new habit. Now they
are content sleeping on the sheepskins on the floor.
Birdie, one of the dogs follows me from shed to dumpster to
shed and back all day long. She is ancient. I have nicknamed her Skeletor. She
has that skinny misshapen look that some dogs get near the end. If I had any
courage I would help her pass over, but she is dogged in her task. She pays
mightily for it, as I have cursed at her on more than one occasion when I have nearly
tripped over her carrying an armload of moldy memories. But she has also given
me the chance to chatter to her and to myself as I travel back and forth. I’m not
sure why she is doing this, loyalty maybe, but sometimes I think that it is how she
occupies her fading mind with purpose.
So it is all in disarray.
The drip, drip , drip of inattention has created a kind of fertile chaos
in the natural world and a musty, moldy sludge in the shed and house. And it
all goes into the big orange dumpster that sits in the driveway in the
rain.
Two tons of things we really never needed. Two tons of times gone by. Memories of sweet faces.
But here is good news.
There is a garden where the old shed used to be. Wendell Barker came and rolled up the
crumpled shed with is bob cat and put it in his truck one night. Four yards of good compost/topsoil mixture
arrived and filled the empty space. In
just two weeks, the tomato plants have doubled in size. The climbing rose on the front porch had
regained some space and sun and bloomed.
I guess it is now and always has been the axiom, the guiding
principle of my small place in this vast, truly endless existence, that
attention to detail, to the beauty and the chaos we all swim in, can repair
neglect. That is why in the end, I do
not lose heart. That is how I occupy my chattering
mind with purpose. This is why there are now ten jars of dill pickles waiting in the frig.